The Dark Side of Black and White Thinking in Narcissistic Relationships
When I met my narcissist wife 20 years ago, I was surprised by expressions like “it’s always like..” and “it’s never...” I dismissed these as overemphasis and thought she didn’t really mean it. It was a mistake. Now, I realize that was true and I should have confronted her then.
Narcissists live in a world where there is no negotiation, no forgiveness, and no room for disagreement. They see the world through a lens of black and white: all bad or all good. There is no gray area. This black and white thinking aligns with their 'splitting behavior,' a defense mechanism through which they process emotional pain by seeing others as either entirely good or entirely bad. This cognitive distortion is a significant factor in the tumultuous nature of their relationships.
No Grey Zone
The concept of black and white thinking in narcissists is particularly vivid in their perception of people. They can't recognize the ambiguity that exists between good and bad. If a person is not perfect, they are seen as all bad. Conversely, if a person makes a mistake, they may seem as if they are all good. This binary thinking is inherent to their narcissistic worldview. There is no tolerance for middle ground, no room for compromise.
When a narcissist encounters someone or a situation that challenges their beliefs or authority, they see that person or situation as completely wrong. Their thinking is: if you challenge them or disagree with them, you are wrong and become their enemy. This is the essence of black and white thinking.
Consequences of Splitting Behavior
The best way to illustrate this phenomenon is through a concrete example. A narcissist is prone to emotional pain avoidance. She processes thoughts about her partner as being either solely good or solely bad to avoid the anguish of the mixed emotions. For instance, if a partner feels that her ex will leave her, she may adopt a purely black perspective and see her former 'good' partner as a 'bad' person who she should never have dated.
Instead of confronting the emotional turmoil of fear and anxiety over abandonment, it is easier for her to channel these feelings into anger. By processing her former partner as 'bad,' her feelings of happiness and love are replaced by anger and resentment. This cognitive distortion helps her avoid the painful truth of being potentially abandoned.
Conclusion and Further Reading
Black and white thinking is a complex but crucial aspect of narcissistic behavior. It affects how narcissists perceive and interact with others. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, understanding this concept can help you navigate the challenges that come with their thinking patterns. For more information and support, consider further reading on narcissism and emotional pain avoidance.